Jokes Please?

[shaunb]

just a quick one liner,,,,
do you know i came close to winning the lottery once,


you see the next door neighbour won,,.

its the way that i tell um
shut up shaunb...

[iansadler1]

Not sure if this one has been posted previously as I haven't read through all the thread but this joke is one of my favourites at the moment - enjoy.

'A girl is making love to her fella in the back of his van, when, gripped in a moment of passion, she screams out, "Whip me, Whip me!"

Not wanting to disappoint, the young man thinks of what he can use as a whip and suddenly has a bright idea and reaches out of the window and breaks off his aerial. Using the aerial, he whips his girlfriend and it has the desired effect, culminating in a satisfactory session for both of them.

About a week later, the girl notices that the welts have not gone down and are beginning to go a little bit septic. She decides to go to the Doctors. "What can I do for you?" asks the Doctor. The girl tells him and he asks her to show him the problem.

She does so and the Doctor asks "Did you get these when your partner whipped you when you were making love in the back of his van?"

A little astonished the girl says "Yes... how did you guess?"……………….






"I thought so" said the Doctor "It's one of the worst cases of van-aerial disease I have ever seen"...'

On a similar vein..........................


'Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

BOOM BOOM

[ashhead]

SEX ON MARS


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,how they make money, etc.
 
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
 
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
 
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
 
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member ! about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
 
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
 
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
 
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
 
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
 
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
 
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
 
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
 
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
 
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
 
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

[stljeff]

[Steven Koontz]

A doctor on his morning walk noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! " the Doc exclaimed..
How old are you?" .....




"Thirty-four," she replied...

[Foxy]

A man goes to the Doctor proclaiming “it's me ahrse, I'd like ya to take a look, if ya would".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible"
he says, there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10
note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well take it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
and another and another......

Finally, the last notes come out and no more appear.

"Ah Doctor, thank you kindly, that’s much better now, how much is there?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and states “£1,990 exactly”.
“I knew it,” proclaims the patient.

Wait for it............

“I knew I wasn't feeling two grand”.

[Annabel]

Groan!!!! Loved this!!!!! Not got time to post any more right now, but tomorrow is another day

[AshFan]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
> news is that it will require castration.
>
> You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your
> spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
> the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
>
> Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He
> had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was
> without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
> missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized
> that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
> new life.
>
> He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need...
> A new suit.'
>
> He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
>
>
> The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44
> long.'
>
> Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
>
>
> 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
>
>
> Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
>
> As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
> shirt?'
>
> Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
>
>
> The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2
> neck.'
>
> Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
>
>
> 'Been in the business 60 years.'
>
>
> Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
>
> Joe walked comfortably=2 0around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How
> about some new underwear?'
>
> Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
>
>
> The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
>
>
> Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
> years old.'
>
> The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
> would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
> hell of a headache.'
>

[AshFan]

It was once said that a black man would be president “when pigs fly”

Indeed 100 days into Obama’s presidency: “swine flu”

[AshFan]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,flash cards, special
learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him
in the lo cal Catholic school.. After the first day, little Zachary came
home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his
mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary
was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room
without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as
before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it
on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great
trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little
Zachary got an 'A' in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said,
'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the
discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around.'